Ranting about life and decisions I’ve made
First off, I’d like to say that I’m extremely impressed with myself. 2 years ago I couldn’t have imagined myself on my own, working full time, paying bills, etc. So go me. It seems that every time I feel like I’m accomplishing something in life there’s someone there that thinks the exact opposite. Whether it be a rumor that I dropped out of high school or a new found drug addiction. The rumors always bother me when I hear them because it makes me realize that people that I once thought were on my side are almost rooting against me. I ran into an old friend and after a pretty awkward encounter, it occurred to me that she probably thinks I have a cocaine problem. I do not have a cocaine problem. In fact, I’ve never done cocaine in my entire life nor do I have any intention of doing it. I guess that tells me something about how much faith people have in me.
I can’t say I’m surprised though. I guess most people assumed I would be taking the same road my parents did. Fortunately I acknowledged my parents mistakes at a young age and swore to myself that I would never become that. Once I made that decision I became bitter. I hated my parents for not being functional. I hated them for subjecting me to that kind of life. Drugs, verbal and physical abuse, prostitution, homelessness that was my childhood. How could someone experience all of that during the most influential time of her life and not turn out a little fucked up? Well I am a little fucked up, but I’d like to think I’m fucked up in the best way possible. I separated myself from the decisions my parents made and became somewhat of a loner. I try as hard as I can to provide for myself without the help of others. This resulted in a total lack of direction and a whole fuck ton of stress.
I am 20 years old. Now most 20 year olds are in school with a purpose and direction. I am not. I live day to day. When I think about where my life is taking me, I freak out. I can’t stand the thought of being in this position forever, but I have no idea how to get on the set path that people my age are supposed to take. For now I just have to learn how to be content by myself and try to pay the bills on time.
Now here’s my typical week: 5 to 6 days out of the week I’m working. Slaving away serving wings to people and trying to make them love me so they can give me money to pay the bills. The 1 or 2 days I get off in a week I spend laying around with absolutely no motivation to do a thing and attempting to clean my apartment which my lovely pets have destroyed through out the week. That is about all I do. Sometimes I get to go out with some friends, but mostly its all work. All work no play makes Alyssa a dull girl.
All this work pays off though. I have my own apartment. I don’t have to live by anyone else’s rules or expectations. What I do with my money is up to me. If I have money left over after I pay for all my living expenses I can go buy whatever it is I want. If I want to have ice cream for dinner, I can. That’s the upside to being a grown up. I am held accountable by no person other than myself and that is a wonderful feeling.
When everything is said and done, I’m pretty satisfied with my life. And for those of you that think I may be doing something wrong, you can suck it. I’m doing the best I can with the hand that I was dealt. I may not be perfect and my life can get pretty hectic, but that’s okay with me. I can handle chaos. I love the chaos. Do I have regrets? Absolutely. But I will deal with the consequences myself. Unless you want to solve my problems for me, don’t worry about it. You’re only concerned about my life because it distracts you from your own shit. I’m proud of the things I’ve done and the decisions I’ve made.